The Now

The Last Documentary

or, Reject Without a Hobby

Day 348 - Just another day singing Richard Marx
The Now
I shoulda known better. Hell, I did know better. You would think that after all this time, all these failures, everything I've lost, that I would understand. Apparently I've given myself extensive brain damage beating my head against brick walls all these years and induced a heightened level of insanity.
Then again, maybe I’m just a Natural Born Idiot. I mean, really, why would anyone want me? I’m a psychological mess, I’m weird looking, I have no interests besides Doctor Who, I can’t talk, can’t write, can’t function…broken fucking record, that’s all I am. Wounded vinyl in a CD world.
‘Just get out there.’ Yeah, right. The world terrifies me. I can’t talk to anyone I don’t know. Every new thing I try fails. Never mind the fact that everyone’s paired off already. 6,000,000,001:1. Never mind that all of my old friends are married. ‘cept one, and he’s as broken as I am.
There’s no answer. There’s no happy ending. All there is is hell. Hell tenfold.
That’s it.

De nacht van Onmogelijke Regen
The Now

I made my way to the door I had seen on this place. The journey seemed to take months. Still, some force pressed me to continue on outside. The blinding light was still there, there was an impossible shreaking coming from everywhere, but I pressed onward. As I crossed the threshold, the scorching of my eyes and ears subsided. As I cautiously opened my eyes, I found myself on what I can only describe as a street, although it was as nothing I had ever seen a cart nor horse on before. As I looked from side to side, I saw nothing but magery and items of the dark arts, all shining as though they had been fasioned by the heavens. Demons of immense power were quelled and tamed to do the will of mortals. People bustled and romped where they would with no care to each other nor themselves. But it wasn't until I turned my gaze upward that my blood ran cold.

I ran through these alien streets, trying to find an exception to my findings. Something that would disprove what I had found - there was none. Everywhere, atop every home, every building, every ramschackle box, every sewer grate, every tree, every rock, every person, every beast of burden, was an Ivory Tower. Everywhere. Over everything. I ran as far as I could before finding an immense wall, which I then ran what I thought was parallel to, but eventually I realized that the wall curved and encircled this immense city I had been trapped in. Panic began to flood my mind, as that of a tiger in a cage. No door. No window. No escape. No hope. I knew where I was, where I had been cast - Hell. As I had barely began to reconcile my eternal fate, another thought entered my mind - I had been running for over the past hour.

I looked incredulously down at my body, odd shades cast about and around it from the invisible sun in the sky. My knee no longer exploded in torture with every movement. My back was unnoticible. My neck had only a slight stiffness to it with no pain. Baffled, I looked at my arms and noticed enlarged veins on them. It was only for a moment I pondered this, as I realized my clothing was almost falling off of me due to the massive decrease in my body. How long had I been in that room? How long was it since I had last eaten? Days? Weeks? Years? I still do not know. I found what seemed to be a window of a shop and concentrated on my reflection in it, and I could scarcely recognize myself - spindly arms, bones jutting beneath the skin of my torso, pale and empty cheeks, the beginnings of gray in what remained of my hair. My bloodied hand found it's way to my jaw, both little more than flesh-wrapped bones. My arms dropped, and I became aware that a constant rain had started. A constant rain under a clear sky under an invisible sun. My head sagged as I accepted where I was, what it meant.

I wandered back through the megopolis aimlessly, and eventually began looking aimlessly around me on my journey. I saw the members of the old dice-rolling team in their own domiciles, each with Ivory Tower firmly in place. I saw them with their families, their items, their magics, their hopes, their dreams. It was not much, but it gave me a slight sense of ... something less unbearable than the other thoughts running through my mind. Something barely soothing in the knowledge that they had survived the attack I allowed at the breach so long ago. I caught a glimpse of something from my back at that point, but I ignored it.

On I continued and saw the Woman in Black Armor. Her window was different, and I saw other tings, other events that she had endured, things I still cannot relate due to the bonds of promised secrecy. There was a warmth there that I wanted to grasp and make my own, but I knew I could not. And in making that decision, there was a warmth of its own. Out of the corner of my eye, again a flash of light near over my shoulder drew my attention. Yet still I could not see the source.

I crested a hill and could see past the barrier that surounded this city-state, and was able to make out the emblem of my family on a domicile in a tiny village. Two figures were there, and somehow I knew who they were - my parents. They had made a place for themselves out there, in that wasteland, and I took in a deep breath to reconsile this, and it was less painful than my other breaths had been. The light around me flickered again.

On I shambled, and I saw refugees of the township I had been at established in their own right. I saw the madame, a young lietnenant shieldsman, other faces I recognized. And in looking around their block of the massive township, I even saw scurrying about what could have been descendants of the hares who spoke to me there. I slapped sideways acrost my forehead hoping to knock free whatever emblem they told me they saw. And while I did not see him, I still heard the bourough warden howling and screaming in ture fasion. I revulsed. Yet, beyond that, there was a slight reluctant nod as I had revceived from the madame before. and the light flashed again.

The invisible sun had given way to the invisible moon and still the rain continued underneath a starlit sky. I made my way back to the place I walked out of, the only location in this Dantaen kingdom with no Ivory Tower. Stumbling inside I looked for mead to soothe the damage to my soul - when logic fails, this is what we seek: comfort by any means. There was no mead. No ale. There was, however, some other drink that had appeared, and I consumed it with earnest. If the fates and heavens had any sympathy, any compasion, and kindness, the drink would have been poison. However, there are no such thigs, so that is not how this story ends.

Days continued on into weeks. I began to grasp the beginings of the devices of this land, and I began to use them in a way a child would - press this, hit that, move this, scream when that breaks. I used these as I could in my new post, and while I was vastly insufficient in any of these individually, the people around seemed to believe that my ability to combine demonicsim and wizardry and combat into one task was something worth venerating. Even when I told them I was insufficient and they needed someone else, they would not let me leave. They gave me some modicum of reinforcement, meager as it was, to try and complete my tasks. Yet even they were insufficient, and so I continued to merge all these impossible powers to fix everything, feeling even more the idiot by the day that I could not fix these problem faster with all these resources at my disposal. I had began to see spectral tendrils appear at this point.

Weeks turned into months, and I continued repairing and creating what I could. Yelling, screming, braggart jesters would want me to do more, and my mind continued to degrade. I would sit in my broken home without Ivory Tower, adding the fearsome devices of this land to my inventory. Stories unfolded before me, nonexistant battles pervaded and interfered in what remained of my life, and a number began to chase me. The dice-rolling clan appeared in turn, each offering their condolences and votes of ill-conceived confidence, each keeping their own Ivory Towers in view. The tendrils grew brighter.

One day, after consuming massive amounts of the sweetvile drink I found in this place I call 'home', the Woman in Black Armor contacted me through one of the devices of this entropic land.

"Hello. How have you been?"

My responses were slowed, numbed by the physical and mental onslaughts of the battles of the day and by the second-guessing and drinking of night. "How the fuck do you think I've been?" I slurred attempting to hiss.

"I understand you're angry. And I'm sorry. But do you understand now why you're here?"

I breathed slowly before answering. "I don't know why I'm here, but I have a theory."

The Woman in Black Armor paused in wait for my continuation. When it did not come, she finally prompted, "And what is that theory?'

"I must continue so that all of you may continue," I spat out.

"That doesn't sound particularly pleasing to you." I truly hate monotone voices.

"Well, it shouldn't!" My drink was lost to high velocity ending on a wall at that point. "I am suffering unimaginable to any of you, and you all want me to continue with this ...for what?!?"

Calmly, the Woman in Black Armor replied, "Because we want you to reach your goal."

"THERE IS NO FUCKING GOAL!!!!" I howled. "The Ivory Tower has tauned me for all these years, and now I'm in a metropolis where I'm the only person without one? And you all want me to continue to be the outcast? How fucking sadistic is that?!?"

Again, calmly, "Is it we that cling to you, or you that cling to us?"

I stared at the corner of the room I had ended up in, shaking. The tendrils connecting me to this populace shook and jerked. Quietly, I asked, "Is that the decision I have to make? Save you all or finally have my own happiness?"

With a somewhat hollow voice, she replied, "That sounds rather religious."

I chuckled at that point. "What kind of decision is that? Sacrifice those I hold dear now for some pointless hope that I might find happiness later?" I turned to the device I was communicating to the Woman with, as though it were actually her. "Answer me truthfully. No strings. Who are you? Why did you save me? Will I ever fulfill my quest?"

As if some kind of other-worldly demon, she answered, "I am your friend. I saved you because we all need you, as I told you. And as you are now, no, you will never fulfill your quest."

It was a moment that I had wished she had left in a whisper of wind. But, as usual, I was not so fortunate. I supposed I should not have asked for what I wanted, as that never ends well. "I see..."

Before we could continue the conversation further, an alarm sounded. I quckly lumbered across the room to the makeshift de-com-dry item I had created, holstered it, and stumbled out of the door. Along my way to the source of the alarm, I sensed something. As I looked to see what it was, there stood my Ivory Tower, the door into it meer steps from me. I pondered my situation, and realized I was at a crossroads - achieve my goal in uncertainty, or save what I had well intact.

The alarm blared.

The tower shone.

My tendrils grappled.

I ran for the door. But which door?


"What's the situation?" I barked to the captain of the guard.

"Demons are attacking! We don't know how long before they get here!"

I peered out through the door, noting the attackers speed and distance. "I can stop them. Let me through." The doors opened and I began my charge to the attackers.

"Seal the gates! Let nothing through!" I ordered the guardmen behind me. I turned back to the breach where the demons were attacking from. In doing so, I had felt that I had been here before. Such is life.

Writer's Block: Not So Genius
The Now
Which modern invention do you think the world would be better off without?
Political Analysts.

Day 92 - T -30: The End is Nigh
The Now
I cannot continue in this venue. I have made this clear. At least, as clear as a broken sod as I am able to do so. I know I’ll never be happy, but on this particular day, at this particular hour, in this particular location, I’m willing to accept tolerable. It’s been too long since I’ve seen the later, and far too long since I’ve seen the former.
A time frame has been set. Am I right in guessing the timeframe? I’m probably close. Maybe not - I am horrible at estimating. But I’ve put the information out there. And will continue to do so.

And now, The Esteemed Ninja has asked me to help repair his computer. Perhaps this time, when action and proper response is needed, I will not fail. Perhaps.

Day 77 - At a loss for a title
The Now

I was ambushed tonight. And no one cares. No one even knows. Well, 2 do.
My hand is misshapen from broken bones. It looks like me more than I do.
This is all I get. I have failed on every front. Two turns left, and I already see the outcome. There is no way out.
I cannot persevere. I cannot continue. I have reached Omega. Omega Zed. OZ.
But there is no Wizard here, Dream or otherwise. Just a captain, and the remnants of my dead art. And a demon ripping me apart inside. Why would I want to continue with that? What sadist would want me to continue with that?
It’s not easy being a failure. It’s impossible to be a failure that people believe can succeed. The bar can never be crossed.
This game is over.

Day 67 - The Incredible Failure of Me
The Now

Why does everyone want me around? I whine. I fail. I’m dumb. I lie. I’m a bad friend. I’m an insufficient worker. I give up. I can’t help.
I’ve broken 3 controllers in 9 months. That’s $180 wasted. I’m an idiot. I’m broken. No wonder no one wants me.
I can’t take any more. Although, there’s 2 levels to that. That’s ‘I can’t take anymore’ meaning you’ve decided to pull out and try and save yourself, and there’s ‘I can’t take anymore’ meaning your lungs are filled with water and there’s no hope of survival. I’m past the first. I’d be fortunate if the second was only a short time coming.
There is no happy ending here. There is no way back to salvation. There is nothing but the excruciating pain that is continuation. The series has run it’s course, the stories are moldy, the actors want out, no one is watching anymore. Let the final curtain fall.

Day 24 - It Begins
The Now

The telecomm migration starts tomorrow. Along with the first billing cycle that the girl at work will be doing for Service. And my boss is out, as is The Dictator. Following that, we have more snow coming in for the weekend, and my weekends have been filled up for the rest of the month. Shoots up the idea of the folx coming out, but these things happen. Maybe I’ll be able to make a run out there in May. Probably should, as they may not hang around much longer.

Managed to make it past the bad ending spot in Persona 4. Couldn’t do it without a walkthrough. Figures - I need help with a game when it turns into a life simulator. Always make the wrong choices.

Have nominees for trade-ins for the PS3. No sense keeping games that just frustrate the hell outta me. What I’d trade them for, I don’t know. Too bad there’s a massive drought in RPGs these days.

The bone in my right hand still hurts. Probably permanently broken now. That’ll happen when I keep smashing it into wood. Certainly doesn’t feel right. Not that anything does, anymore.

Need to get over and have a tux fitted sometime this week. Probably can’t do it this weekend what with the weather coming in. Oh, well. Not like I have anything to do weeknights anyhow.

Not much now, I guess. We’ll see where things are at in 21 hours.

Day 16 - Survey
The Now
Cliffdar had this on his site. I elected to punch in my own answers.

Birthday:It's in the past
Birthplace:Woodland, CA
Current Location:Lone Tree, CO
Eye Color:Not sure
Hair Color:None
Height:Something around 6'
Right Handed or Left Handed:Right
Your Heritage:Cursed
The Shoes You Wore Today:Same ones I always wear
Your Weakness:Me
Your Fears:Pick something, it probably applies
Your Perfect Pizza:Cooked, no fungus or beetles
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:I don't have goals anymore
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:I don't talk to people
Thoughts First Waking Up:How the fuck am I gonna keep this up?
Your Best Physical Feature:n/a
Your Bedtime:10ish
Your Most Missed Memory:How would I know - it's missing
Pepsi or Coke:Pepsi
MacDonalds or Burger King:Burger King
Single or Group Dates:I don't understand
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:I don't drink tea
Chocolate or Vanilla:Chocolate
Cappuccino or Coffee:No
Do you Smoke:Yes
Do you Swear:Yes. Usually at video games.
Do you Sing:Not anymore
Do you Shower Daily:Yes
Have you Been in Love:...yes...
Do you want to go to College:No. Went once, that was a complete waste of money.
Do you want to get Married:I don't want anything anymore
Do you belive in yourself:I believe I'll fail again
Do you get Motion Sickness:No
Do you think you are Attractive:No
Are you a Health Freak:Only if excessive hand washing counts.
Do you get along with your Parents:As far as I can tell
Do you like Thunderstorms:I don't really think about them
Do you play an Instrument:Not anymore
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:Yes
In the past month have you Smoked:Yes
In the past month have you been on Drugs:No
In the past month have you gone on a
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:No
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:No
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:No
In the past month have you been on Stage:No
In the past month have you been
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:No
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:No
Ever been Drunk:Yes
Ever been called a Tease:No
Ever been Beaten up:Yes
Ever Shoplifted:Not intentionally
How do you want to Die:Painlessly
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:I don't want anything anymore
What country would you most like to Visit:I don't travel
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:n/a
Favourite Hair Color:n/a
Short or Long Hair:n/a
Best Clothing Style:I don't understand the question
Number of Drugs I have taken:*
Number of CDs I own:Aprx. 90
Number of Piercings:None
Number of Tattoos:None
Number of things in my Past I Regret:All of them


One Year Gone
The Now
This song kept ringing through my head since the beginning of the year. Seems rather appropriate, given today. These are lyrics by Staind, from the song It's Been a While, off of the album Break the Cycle.

It's been a while
Since I could hold my head up high
and it's been a while
Since I first saw you
It's been a while
since i could stand on my own two feet again
and it's been a while
since i could call you
But everything I can't remember as fucked up as it may seem
the consequences that I've rendered
I've stretched myself beyond my means

It's been a while
since i could say that i wasn't addicted and
It's been a while
Since I could say I love myself as well and
It's been a while
Since I've gone and fucked things up just like i always do
It's been a while
But all that shit seems to disappear when i'm with you
But everything I can't remember as fucked up as it may seem
the consequences that I've rendered
I've gone and fucked things up again

Why must i feel this way?
just make this go away
just one more peaceful day

Its been awhile
Since I could lok at myself straight
and it's been awhile
since i said i'm sorry
It's been awhile
Since I've seen the way the candles light your face
It's been awhile
But I can still remember just the way you taste
But everything I can't remember as fucked up as it may seem
I know it's me i cannot blame this on my father
he did the best he could for me

It's been a while
Since I could hold my head up high
and it's been a while since i said i'm sorry

Writer's Block: Words to Live By
The Now
What is your personal motto or favorite quotation?
"Sometimes, I am deeply stupid...but eventually, I figure things out."
 - John Chriton, Farscape


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